Okay. We’re doing this again. Not sure what doing this again means? You’re going to want to read part 1
We start the show with a recap of yesterday’s highlights and then tonight’s highlights? Why is this happening? I’m about to watch your stupid show. GET TO IT.
We hear from the coaches, and somewhere along the way, Willy tells us abut how he lasers something or another instead of using swords. Are we on the right channel?
Our first artist is Louise Van Veenendaal. I get the feeling that she’s one of those okay singers who does a lot of confident screaming which makes people think she’s a lot more talented than she is. She tells us about how she had her own cabaret show in the US that she suddenly lost. Aha! I know her angle – sad sex appeal. She tells us about how Liza Minnelli saw her show and was ‘encouraging’ about her voice.
Louise is scream-singing Somebody to Love. What a guess. All along, Joel contemplates life. Kylie is dancing manically. Louise’s mum says what we’re all thinking ‘stop dancing, Kylie! Press the button!’ YES. This is what this show is about. Not the coaches smooth moves – just spinning when something sounds nice. Willy seems to be having a mini-seizure. Joel joins him. Louise’s mum tells Joel to ‘c’mon! YOU CAN HEAR HER!’. Well no, I don’t think he’s on this planet right now.
She finishes with Willy and Joel having turned. Joel tells her ‘I’d love to be your coach’. That’s freakin’ it. NICE TRY. Willy tells her she has a freak of nature voice, something about superheroes. Whatever, she picks him.
Then, she goes down to hug Will and Joel AND THEN SNUBS KYLIE. LOL. WHAT IS HAPPENING? LOVE IT.
Next is 17 year old youtuber Lij Gilmour. He’s sharp. He tells us about how his mum has ‘literally been there since the beginning’. Well, yes. She was there when you were conceived. Backstage, he individually hugs his family members with a ‘love ya’ to each of them. It’s cute.
Joel and Kylie talk about how they would be really nervous if they were the contestants. Yes, they’ve never had to sing live in front of an audience before. Did I just make a lip-synching jab? Yes. I did.
Lij sings Teenage Dirtbag. The only highlight of the performance was when Ricky straddled his button and was humping it. I’m not even joking. This is not an exaggeration. IT HAPPENED. Joel and Ricky turn around. He’s picks Joel because they’re like, the same genre or something.
Along comes Emily Rex. Emily is the girl who you really shouldn’t hate, but you do because she has everything. That’s truly the sign of a good human. She’s beautiful. Newly wed. We’re shown her gorgeous wedding and couple-sharing-type photos. I shed a few tears. Flawless, she is. She starts singing Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka. It’s gorgeous, truly. Willy lip-syncs along like a manic doll.
Kylie does her weird drumming thing again, but this time it’s meant to be a butterfly. STOP IT, KYLIE. YOU ARE A CLASSY LADY. BE CLASSY.
Willy turns. Kylie and Joel turn. Ricky doesn’t. WHAT? WHY? WHY NOT. She tells us she’s from Newcastle. Apparently Joel LOVES Newcastle. Sure, Joel. Emily looks at Ricky, longingly. Will begins to talk about why he wants her on his team. Joel pulls out a paper mask of Will’s face and does his best impersonation. ‘I HAVE FACTORIES. THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD BE ON MY TEAM’. Joel nails it.
Kylie tells her it was a confident performance. ‘There was nowhere to run or hide’. This isn’t Hunger Games, Kylie. This is THE VOICE. THEY’RE MEANT TO SING, ON STAGE. Gah. Someone needs to coach the coaches about what this is about. Anyway, that’s all Kylie says. There’s no convincing. She goes with Willy ’cause he turned first. Great way to make decisions. As she returns backstage to her loving husband, I’m reminded of how bitter and lonely I am.
Moving on! ‘Chill Will’ starts to do a satanic dance in his chair. He’s on something. He must be.
Oh God. Look. It’s Chris-breaking-Delta’s-heart-and-losing-along-the-way-Sebastian, Guy Sebastian’s younger, less talented brother. His ‘best friend and guitarist’ Luke Kitaris is here to audition. Chris tells Luke ‘you can’t sing worse than you play golf, mate’ and reminds us why the country loves his brother and not him. Ugh.
HOLD THE PHONE. Before Luke can sing, a new guy named Krishool appears. We haven’t heard Luke yet, this is confusing. Krishool apparently needs to dance while signing. His friend, Tessa, tells us that he and Willy are basically the same person. Krish tells us that sometimes he doesn’t give his fullest vocally, because he’s concentrating on dancing. Sweetie, Krish. You’re on The Voice, not Australia’s Got Talent. FOCUS ON THE SINGING.
He’s breathing weird and dancing crap while singing OMG by Usher, a song produced by Willy. The audience cheers for him because they’re nice people. The coaches are confused about why people are clapping and cheering when the singing is so rubbish. They keep freaking out and asking the audience to explain what’s happening. Joel and Ricky know wassup. He’s dancing.
Willy appears to be possessed for a second and turns around for some reason, last second. We get to spend an unreasonably long time listening to “story time with Will.” I’m glad I’ve got tea. Will says he spun around because he thought he could probably coach Krish because he was probably performing. WILL. NO. You’re meant to pick them because they sing well!!
We cut to Ricky talking to us about how the show is about using one sense, hearing. No way. I don’t believe this! I thought it was about ones sense of smell!!
Okay. We’re back to Luke, Chris Sebastian’s friend.
Wait no. He’s not singing now either. We’re on to a new girl who – wait. She didn’t make it through. Basically, she was a plus size lingerie model and I loved her 😦 She didn’t make it through 😦 Let’s move on 😦
OKAY. Back to Luke. I’m dizzy. Stop changing contestants!!
Chris Sebastian is talking about something. Chris. Shh. You’ve had your turn. Stop trying to steal other people’s thunder.
Luke runs up the stage without tripping and plays guitar, singing The A Team to us. It’s beautiful. He’s so nervous. Ricky plays air guitar. The judges get in to it. No one turns. Chris says some shit. Kylie and Joel turn last second. Chris says more shit. Luke decides to be coached by Joel. Neither Joel nor Kylie do a very convincing job at winning him over.
Chris says he needs to find a new guitarist. THAT MAKES ME SO MAD. How condescending! It’s okay, karma is instantly repaid when Guy Sebastian’s Like It Like That becomes the background track for Luke’s walk down the stairs. LOL.
Next to try his luck is 19 year old Robbie Balmer, who performs ‘ I Can’t Make You Love Me‘. Oh my, yes you can. Willy isn’t impressed and shakes his head. YEAH. Sure! Willy is the receptacle of all good music, having produced classics such as Scream and Shout with Britney. Uuuughh.
All you need to know is that Robbie is amazing and you should totally be glad he dropped out of his business/engineering degree to become a singer. Kylie, Joel and Ricky turn around. Kylie leans forward and proclaims ‘I hope…that you would…*sexy*… come to team Kylie.’ SHUT UP, KYLIE.
Ricky tells Robbie that he’s intriguing and wants to hear more because there was a lot of sadness and nostalgia. ‘Tell the world what you’re all about, man,’ says Ricky. Oh yes, tell them all about how you’re a broken spirit. GIVE US SOME DRAM. Ricky! Naughty boy. We’re meant to be friends.
Robbie thanks them so cutely and goes with Kylie. Willy starts singing ‘go Kylie, go Kylie!’ in a voice that is definitely much better than all the singers. NOT.
Finally, we get to the magic contestant they promised us all show. Did I mention that they kept previewing the coaches losing their proverbial shit before each ad break? Something something suspense.
We meet her. Elly Oh was born in South Korea and moved to Australia in 2009 to study Opera. She studied opera for NINE YEARS. Nine! What could you possibly keep learning about opera over nine years?? She could have been a doctor in that time! Long story short, she sings Mamma Knows Best amazingly. Judges continue to lose their shit and die. I mean, my notes read along the lines of :
- Ricky is dying.
- Joel is dying.
- Willy is dying.
- Kylie is dying.
- We’re all dying.
Of course, all the judges have turned for her – she can actually sing. Who’d have thought! She cries. She’s gorgeous. I just want to hug her. So much love.
To get her on his team, Willy brings out a megaphone that even shines a light on his new love. Joel tells her he has ‘heart and soul’ and that he’s a simple man. Look, Ricky wins. Willy makes fun of him, saying ‘I’m the sexy Latin one, look at my abdominals’. Yes, Will. Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying this whole time. Just look at his abdominals.
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