The third season of The Voice Australia began tonight. I thought it would be a great way to bring you some quality writing. For the next couple of weeks, we’re going to recap the show, together. It’s going to be awesome.

If you don’t know what this show is about, it’s another talent scouting bonanza. You can read more about how it works on Wikipedia. This year’s judges are Will.I.Am (who we’ll call Willy because I’m not fucking typing out that ridiculous name), Ricky Martin, Kylie Minogue and Joel Madden.

The Voice Coaches, 2014. If you don't know who is who, you shouldn't be reading this post.

The Voice Coaches, 2014. If you don’t know who is who, you shouldn’t be reading this post.

The show starts with a rendition of The Script’s Hall of Fame. It’s not awful awful, but I don’t think the judges would have turned around for themselves or each other. The editing is interesting – there are so many jump cuts and so much smoke that my eyes go fuzzy. It’s a great way to distract us from the ‘singing’.

We’re introduced to the ‘coaches’ (not judges). Kylie is introduced as our best pop-star EVER. She talks about how she has come home and by being home it means she’s home to be home. Home.

Joel cuts in to tell us that he’d want to be on Kylie’s team. The voice-over guy tells us that Joel and his band had the most memorable ‘youth anthems of the last decade’. Uhm, you mean, the decade that just passed? That’s questionable.

Ricky looking like Ricky. This has nothing to do with his success, you guys.

Ricky looking like Ricky. This has nothing to do with his success, you guys.

Ricky Martin then tells us all about how he’s not the new kid on the block any more. Voice-over man tells us that Ricky has had 95 platinum records. We’re meant to believe that this was all thanks to his voice and had NOTHING to do with his hips. At all.

Willy appears and talks about something something. I was too distracted by the fact that he’s listening to music on his BEATS BY DRE headphones ON A FREAKIN’ IPAD. Why is that a thing? Who says it’s convenient to do that? DON’T CONDONE SUCH BEHAVIOUR, WILLY. YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THE WORLD A WORSE PLACE. Is little Willy going to turn the show into a massive advertising platform?

He is. I can feel it.

We finally get to our first contestant. Her name is Kat Jade. She is 23 and has cat ears. ‘Cause she’s a K/Cat. Get it? We’re introduced to her male ‘best friend’ who has known her since kindergarten, which they decide was 21 years ago. Oh man. This is going to be a long night.


We return to the stage. Willy tells us the contestant is walking up to the stage. Good guess! The piano plays suddenly, and Kylie soils herself. Kat starts singing Wrecking Ball, by Miley Cyrus. The judges talk to each other about how they love this song. They close their eyes and nod along. Joel looks confused about why he’s on the show.

Kylie turns around. Kat freaks out and bursts into tears. This performance is now full of emotion. She’s going to pick Kylie, obviously. Joel wastes his time and also turns around. Willy PHYSICALLY TURNS AROUND IN HIS CHAIR, forgetting how this show works. Will, honey, you need to press the button to make your entire chair turn. Turning your head wont work.

Kat Jade, rockin' it.

Kat Jade, rockin’ it.

The song ends and Kat FREAKS OUT. She’s from ‘The ‘Laide’. Who the fuck calls Adelaide ‘The Laide’? DON’T. Kat laughs so hard she snorts. From her nose. Multiple times. Joel loves it and tells her he just wants to watch her talk. Wrong show, honey. Kat pretends to be excited about whatever Joel is wasting his time mumbling about. Kat obviously wants Kylie.

Willy interjects and tells Kat that it was hard not to turn around because she’s ‘spectacular’. WHAT? Willy doesn’t know how the show works. When they’re spectacular, you press the button in front of you and your chair turns around and that means you want them.

Kylie says stuff. Joel tries again with something about organic, raw, something. Vegetables maybe. It’s useless, because Kat wants Kylie. She finally tells us what she has decided. She picks Kylie. WHAT A SURPRISE.

Kat goes backstage where she almost pounces on her BFF. Her boyfriend interjects and makes it a three-way-hug. Oh man, this is going to be awesome. Her best friend wants his chest signed by Kylie. They return to the stage where the regret on Kylie’s face is so obvious. You can see her questioning why she turned around. Joel snorts with relief.

Next, we meet a 23 year old Queenslander named Mat Verevis. We get a back story about his grandfather who passed away. According to his mum, when his gramps was in the nursing home, he’d ask her about Mat’s music career daily. I’m not even going to comment… other than PSHHHFFTTSSHHTTTT.

Mat begins a smooth rendition of New York State of Mind. Kylie and Joel use their feet to push their buttons. Willy’s mouth is wide open as he freaks out, trying to figure out where his foot is and how he can push his button. In a matter of moments, all four judges have turned around, with good reason!

Mat. We're going to be Team Mat for tonight.

Mat. We’re going to be Team Mat for tonight.

Kylie turns on her sexy eyes and looks lovingly at Mat. She hopes that her piercing gaze will make Mat fall in love and join her team. Ricky turns and tries the same, hoping that Mat bats for the other team. Joel tells Mat he’s jealous of him because he rocks his hat so well. I agree. He does. Willy asks Mat if he likes John Legend and tells Willy that he has a hat factory.  We’re on to a winner.

Ricky tells Mat that he has a serious decision to make because his future depends on this. Willy tells Mat not to take things too seriously and to live a relaxed life. OKAY. Kylie’s tactic is to say very little and lean back in her chair, looking sexy.

Ricky stands up and proclaims ‘I KNOW WE DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER, BUT ALLOW ME TO GUIDE YOU. GO WITH YOUR HEART’. Willy whispers ‘go with your brain’, and with that, wins Mat. Kylie consoles Ricky – they feel each other’s pain. Neither of their sexy eyes worked.

We’re back to the judges complimenting each other where Ricky talks about how versatile Willy is. We get to watch Willy’s Beats headphones plugged into his iPad while he dances around. I’m  so confused, truly. Is this a thing? Is this a thing people do? DON’T DO IT. YOU’D LOOK DUMB. Ricky says he has done some cool stuff as well. Yes, Ricky. Like being deliciously hot.

We return to what we’re all there to see. TALENT…

Frank Lakoudis, the doting-father-to-be

Frank Lakoudis, the doting-father-to-be.

In comes 22 year old Frank Lakoudis. His girlfriend, Tiana tells us that she will give him a child if he wins The Voice and makes a million dollars. Okay, she’s definitely a keeper. Frank tells us he wants to grab the coaches’ attention ‘from the get go’. Frankie begins to sing a rock ballad thing and the coaches’ eyes pop out of their heads. Kylie, Joel and Ricky turn almost immediately. Willy looks over at them with disgust. He just can’t believe how quickly they turned, how low their standards are. Willy continues to alternate between looking at them in disgust and looking away.

The song ends and we cut to his girlfriend and family who are jumping up and down with the host, Darren McMullen. Willy gives Frankie a glass of water which he happily sips. Joel talks about how it’s rare to have a big voice. Something about going places. Ricky says he had to turn because Frankie’s voice was powerful ‘FROM THE GET GO’. Oh my God. GO WITH RICKY, FRANKIE. HE’S ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH AS YOU.

Whatever. Nothing else interesting happens. He picks Joel. Greek puns fill the Twitter feed. His girlfriend hugs him and keeps staring at him, willing herself pregnant.

Next is Anja Nissen, an 18 year old from the Blue Mountains. She tells us a story about how her grandparents lost their home in the recent fires and she sang to them that night to make it better. Sigh. We’re going to get a lot of stories like this, aren’t we? The real story or whatever. She begins to sing Vanishing, by Mariah Carey. It’s nice.

Anja, the pretty one.

Anja, the pretty one. that the show is all about.

Willy is SO happy. He can hear the sexy in her voice. He doesn’t even care about anything else any more. RICKY TURNS. He’s impressed. Joel asks the crowd if he should turn by making weird hand gestures. He’s really just asking them if she’s hot. Kylie tries to make the same motions with her fist and realises how silly she looks and pretends to play the drums instead. She looks sillier.

Ricky is going to try his sexy eyes again. This time, he’s going to do it during the entire song. He leans back and smoulders. The other judges have also turned. The song ends and Joel tells her she’s what the show is all about. Yes, people who are pleasantly sexy when coaches turn around. Ricky tells her he wants to explore sounds and take her places. OH YEAH! Many will take you up on that, RickRick!

Willy tells her he can ‘work good’ with female vocalists and lists the artists he has slept with. Anja talks about how hard this decision is. Don’t worry, she’s saved by an ad break. Oh man! SUSPENSE. We come back and Anja picks Will. Sorry Ricky.

Ricky tells us ‘I have to change… tactics’. Willy tells us ‘there’s a lot of styles of singing… but that particular style is the style I prefer’. Great. Everyone else on his team is screwed.

We briefly meet two contestants who didn’t get through.  Good, because they’re sort of disgruntled.

Three more contestants. Oh man. Let’s power through these.

Lionel Cole, nephew of Nat King Cole tells us about how he has spent his life trying to carve his own niche that wasn’t part of his uncles or anyone else in his family. He goes on to sing Unforgettable, by his uncle, Nat King Cole, y’know, the guy whose shadow he didn’t want to live in. L.O.L. Kylie and Ricky turn around for him.

Lionel Cole, Australia's smartest man.

Lionel Cole, Australia’s smartest man.

Joel tells Lionel that he must be an alpha-male. Lionel says he’s just a big teddy bear. This is Kylie’s in. She doesn’t even try to be subtle. She turns on this seductive sexy and asks for a ‘bear hug’. She wants to seduce him with her scent. Smart. Lionel is smarter and also bear-hugs Ricky to appease his wife, who is fuming backstage. Kylie refuses to sit back down in her chair and instead sits on the stairs with the big bear. She whispers in his ear and says ‘I really want you in my team’. I think she means she really wants him in her…cave.

He goes with Ricky, saving his marriage and teaching female viewers a valuable lesson. Don’t bother offering up your cave to win your way. It won’t always work. Lionel goes back stage and hugs his two kids. His wife stands back. Oh man, Lionel’s in trouble tonight!

Next is Rosemaree Dinaro. Her dad is in the audience and doesn’t know she’s auditioning because he’s ‘the biggest fan and biggest critic’ and ‘may think it’s a joke’. TOP BLOKE. Give this guy a father of the year award. No chairs turn for her, and her dad gets to gloat about it for the rest of his life.

And finally, C Major, who I just don’t like. His real name is Carlos Velazquez. Let’s stick to C Major because it’s easier to be annoyed at him when he has a douchey name. He makes up some lies about how he’s a producer for T-Pain or something. SURE.

C Major and I will not be friends. We just won't.

C Major and I will not be friends. We just won’t.

He’s singing Crazy in Love by Queen B but ‘of course’ it’ll be hard because he’s not a girl. OKAY. He says more rubbish and says ‘of course’ a lot more. He and I are not going to be friends.

As he starts to sing, Joel and Kylie can’t tell if he’s a girl or boy. Ricky tells them it’s a guy. Ricky is rocking out so hard he pops the screws holding his chair together. Joel and Kylie stand up and shake their booties. Will and Ricky use their little feetsies to turn their chairs. Kylie turns and does the old Delta-esque sexy, seductive half-standing-half-bent-over-hope-this-sexy-guy-picks-me turn. Joel is having so much fun waving at the audience, he almost forgets to spin.

Carlos talks to all the judges in Spanish and subtitles are required. Blahblahblah QUE PASOOOOO. ME TAMBIEN. Whatever.

C Major has this air of arrogant self-entitlement. I DON’T LIKE IT. Will tells him this is a very serious choice that he has to make. HYPOCRITE. NOW IT’S SERIOUS? WHAT HAPPENED TO 15 MINUTES AGO? HUH? LIVE A RELAXED LIFE, MY ARSE.

Let’s stop talking about this guy. I don’t like him. He goes with Ricky who uses a lot of latin words like rumba and samba and mambo. Willy comments ‘I’m a producer, he’s a seducer’. YES. A sexy seducer.

And you’ve made it to the end. Good job.

Is this show going to be on again tomorrow? Do I have to do this again?


Ready for more? Read part 2 here.


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