The Worst Eye Liner – NO Product – I’ve Ever Bought.

MR PERDIS. I REGRET LISTENING TO YOU.

What’s black and useless and disappears in the blink of an eye?

Napoleon Perdis’ Eye Liner Pencils 

Easily the worst product I have had the displeasure of spending my money on. What pisses me off is that at about the same time I was buying this thing, Napoleon was posting something scarily relevant on twitter. NAPOLEON, YOU ARE THE REASON I NEED TO LEARN TO BUDGET AND STICK TO IT.

Let’s start with the fact that I’m Lebanese, with Saudi Arabian ancestry which basically means that at some point in the not too distant past, my Bedouin ancestors were running around in the desert with their horses and camels, their eyes magnificently framed with kohl eye liner. This makes me an eye liner expert.

Back to this thing that pretends to be an eye liner. At $28, this stick costs about twice what I would usually pay for an eye anything, but I was feeling fancy – shoot me.   I almost want to figure out how much time at work was required in order for me to earn enough money to pay for this piece of trash, but I think I’d get really depressed about how poor I am, so let’s not do that.

I went looking for an eye liner that would have a rich colour pay off without irritating my eye, which is exactly what I told the lady at the Napoleon counter at Myer.

Long story short. I bought the bloody thing. SOLD. BIG MISTAKE.

Turns out I’m not the only one. LOOK AT ALL THESE SAD REVIEWS. These people aren’t kidding. It’s rubbish.

Let’s look at what Mr. Perdis’ site says about the product:

“The windows to the soul require an equally beautiful frame.” – NAPOLEON

Agreed. That’s why I needed a good eye liner. It’s really the only thing that distracts from the fact that I have gigantic bags under my eyes every morning.

Our Eye Pencils are sophisticated wood-clenched tools that provide excellent coverage and exact lining. 

Okay. He has a point. The stupid thing just has a feel of luxury. It’s soft and silky and sexy and sophisticated and his name is embossed on the pencil in this lux, gold print. It’s enticing WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE A PROBLEM, NAPOLEON.

Excellent coverage? YOU’D THINK THIS MEANT IT COVERS WHERE YOU WANT IT TO.  Y’KNOW. A NICE, SOLID LINE. OH, NO. THIS PRODUCT COVERS YOUR ENTIRE EYE-SPACE. In a couple of blinks of an eye you have eye liner seeping under your lash line. IT’S THAT SHIT.

Exact lining? Sure. IT’S A FREAKING PENCIL. WHY WOULDN’T IT HAVE EXACT LINING? IT GOES WHERE I MAKE IT GO. EXACT LINING IS A SKILL DUE TO MY OWN PRECISION, NOT YOUR STUPID PENCIL.

With an easy grip handle, each pencil gently outlines the eye with a soft, creamy formula that is easily blendable and available in a tempting variety of kaleidoscopic colours. 

OH MAN. NOW I’M MAD.

Forget your bloody tempting kaleidoscopic colours. All I asked for was black. I wasn’t even being picky.

Super sharp tip that only gets sharper as you use it.

Gently… gently my arse. The pencil comes with a super sharp tip. Remember how in kindergarten we all had those electric sharpeners that sharpen a pencil into this long, spikey point. That’s what this is like.

After 3 lots of application – that’s 6 eye lines – the stupid pencil was still sharp (see picture) (Note – this might be like those times where someone you hate tells a funny joke but you refuse to laugh. I REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT THE SHARPNESS-MAINTAINGNESS IS GOOD.) Do I hate finer liners? No, but when I put this thing on, it barely covered maybe half my waterline. I get that I’m fat, but my waterline isn’t fat.

Soft and creamy? Eh. Soft and creamy enough.

EASILY BLENDABLE? Oh, darling. Easily blendable is the understatement of the year AND WE’VE ONLY JUST STARTED 2014. IT TOOK A COUPLE OF BLINKS FOR THIS CRAP-TASTIC FORMULA TO BLEND ALL INTO MY LOWER LASH LINE AND ONTO MY FACE. I’m sorry, was I meant to not blink? Is that what this is, a solution to being sleepy in the morning? KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN WITH OUR MAGICAL EYE LINER THAT PREVENTS YOU FROM BLINKING BECAUSE IF YOU TRY THAT, YOU’LL END UP WITH A NATURAL, RACOON-EYE LOOK.

The lasting formula is free of mineral oil and preservatives and contains natural anti-oxidants for added protection.

What the hell are you even talking about now? I DON’T CARE. WHY DOES YOUR STUPID, OVERPRICED, CRAPPY EYE LINER SEEP INTO MY EYELASHES AFTER JUST A COUPLE OF MINUTES OF APPLICATION? WHY?

Napoleon. I’m disappointed. Back in the good ol’ days, I used to swear by your mascara. I’d tell people it was an all round winner – fantastic formula and perfect brush. In fact, I think I might have kept using the brush because it made any formula wonderful. In fact, my boss loves you. We’ve spent endless amounts of time praising your products.

WELL GUESS WHAT. I TAKE MY PRAISE BACK. $28! For poop.

Now let’s have a looksy. I have photographic evidence.

I used to have some eye liner on. Then I blinked. See how there’s almost nothing on either end of my water line?? I HAD ALSO TIGHT-LINED, BY THE WAY. DO YOU SEE ANYTHING UNDER MY UPPER LASH LINE? LIKE. A TINY BIT. WHAT THE SHIT.

I HAVE AN ANGRY, UNLINED EYE NOW.

But this next one’s even better. MY EYES HAVE BLACK SPOLDGES UNDERNEATH THEM. THIS IS WITHIN MINUTES OF APPLYING. WHAT WOULD’VE HAPPEN IF I ATTEMPTED TO PULL THIS OFF ALL DAY?

Want a smokey, beaten up eye? Apply some of Napoleon Perdis’ eye liner, then blink! BAM, AND YOU LOOK STUPID… and in my case, cross-eyed.

‘Well, Amne. You might have eye-liner-hating eyes.’ OKAY, FINE. LET’S HAVE A LOOK AT MY HAND TEST. On the left, Napoleon Perdis Eye Liner. On the right, Rimmel London Scandaleyes liner.

Comparison of Napoleon Perdis eye liner, on left, with Rimmel London’s Scandaleyes liner, on the right. Obviously. SCANDALEYES WAS BOUGHT AT LESS THAN HALF THE PRICE OF NAPOLEON’S.

Definitely a size difference. A colour pay off difference. Even the texture of the Scandaleyes is better – BETTER FORMULA.

Now, what happens when I rub the liners.

THIS BULLSHIT HAPPENS

Napoleon liner, on left almost wiped away, while Scandaleyes smudges but totally survives – which is fine BECAUSE I DON’T INTEND ON RUBBING MY EYEBALLS.

I’ve lost pretty much all the Napoleon liner. (HEY, NAPOLEON, EVEN MY FAN-GIRL BOSS WAS DISAPPOINTED BY THAT).

So really. If you’re looking for a good eye liner STAY AWAY FROM NAPOLEON’S WANNABE EYE LINER. Save your money. Get the Rimmel London Scandaleyes Kohl Kajal Liner . Want to talk about a kaleidoscope of colour? IT COMES IN 12 FREAKIN’ SHADES.

Sheesh. Glad I got that off my chest.

P.S Napoleon seems to use this eye liner for smokey eye looks. Alright, look. It might be great for that. It sure as hell smudges and goes everywhere. If you want to try it, maybe follow this look on Napoleon’s blog. 

BY THE WAY – THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST. LOL. ME? SPONSORED? I’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR A WEEK.

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